Life Doesn’t Turn Out As We Expect It

Tags: emerge through emergency, expectations, integrity, self disciplines
Posted in Change, Guinea Pig C-personal category, Personal Development | Add a Comment »

I confess, turning 40 was difficult for me. (It was also quite a while ago.) It was difficult because I expected my life to be different than it was by the time I was 40.

What did I expect? I expected I would be more successful, according to the ways we define success in our culture. Basically, that I would have more “stuff”. At the least a house, actually several, in a few exotic locations, probably a lot more money, even a relationship. I expected that from the outside view I would fit all the categories of a successful self-made woman. I would be famous and wealthy.

Not only could I NOT believe I was 40, I just hadn’t made it to my picture of 40. While I wasn’t devastated, and still managed to function quite well post 40, only now, some 8 (nearly 9) years later, am I integrating the whole experience of life not turning out the way I expected it would.

It is a most curious thing, this business of life. Some people with seemingly little intelligence or effort seem to do very well, others with great talent either hit the jackpot and fly, or spend their life in struggle.

I always thought ~making it~ was about intelligence. Hence I have always derided myself for not being all that intelligent. After all, if I was I would have ~made it~!

I have since realised that it is a little more complicated than that. And in its own way, infinitely perfect.

We have people who are born to wealth and privilege. Not me.

We have people who ride on the back of wealth by marrying it, or stealing it, or seducing it. (These can be the same things, and are applicable to both men and women). This was never my path. There were offers, especially in the early days, from very wealthy men who wanted to set me up in some lovely place, but the independent part of me which has a strong internal sense of not wanting to be owned, just couldn’t choose this path.

We have people whose greatest talent is the talent for business as we know it. These people are naturals. They have the Midas touch. While I am not a slouch at business, it is not my natural arena. As we have also discovered in the last two years, some of these people with the Midas touch have been financial engineer’s, and their wealth has come not from the real economy but from the global casino…the smoke and mirrors economy.

Then we have the ones that have lady luck as their companion. Through no explicit talent or application, they seem to land on their feet every time. I am not bereft of this lucky streak, after all I am an  Australian, and have a lifestyle that is fabulously wealthy in every way, in comparison to being born in parts of Africa, Bangladesh etc. I am certainly not unlucky.

If I look back at my life, would I change anything? Really?

From a three year marriage I have the most incredible gift of my life, my daughter. No matter how bad the marriage was, (And it really wasn’t bad at all, and isn’t now as an ongoing relationship), I have only gratitude for the gift of being a mother, something I never expected to be, and for being a very lucky steward to another human being. Actually, if I really dwell on this alone, I realise without too much effort, that my life is richer in so many ways, because of my being a mother. I certainly have more compassion, more patience and a greater ability to love than I would ever have had by staying childless. These qualities are of such immeasurable wealth. The simple joy I get on a daily basis from being a partner in a child’s life - no money can buy that.

From living my life in free form, not conforming to the traditional, I have incredible flexibility, developed great courage (most of the time), the ability to be immensely creative, and to emerge through emergency. It’s not always the easiest path, as there are times when I am not sure where the next dollar will come from, but come it does. There have been times, particularly as a single parent, when I have suffered momentary paralysis from the fear of lack. However, the reality is that to be in paralysis for more than a moment was simply a luxury I couldn’t afford at all, so it was simply -take a deep breath, get up and create something. Immediately. Get into motion. I have learned to really respect this quality in myself, as many people don’t possess this ability.

Security - what is that? How real is security as we traditionally define it? Having lots of money in the bank, having assets, a pot of gold under the bed? Does this really make us secure? It could all be gone in an instant. My form of security is trusting that I have the ability to create. More than anything though, for me security has been about giving up the fear of lack and scarcity. (This fear is endemic in our society - it runs us, fuels us and feeds us. Most of us don’t have a clue just how much we live with a mindset of scarcity. We fight wars over it, we treat our neighbours badly because of it, our need for excess is a symptom of it. A look at how subtly pervasive scarcity is in our world is a worthy article for a newsletter, deserving a more comprehensive look.)

Under no circumstance am I implying that my way of living is the right way. Could I have had a little more strategy around spending money in my younger years? Sure. Are there other ways. Absolutely. Have I been exceedingly smart with my money? Not always. Do I regret the choices I made? No.

For what reason though do I need a large asset pool? So I don’t have to work? Why would I not work? I simply don’t understand that. I love my work. I love what I do. I love it so much that everything I do is my work. The books I read, the movies I see, the travel I do. It all contributes to my work. Oh joy, for the most part, I get to do things I love. Sure there is wood to be chopped and water to carry, metaphorically speaking, however, these tasks keep me humble. I don’t see myself ever retiring. It would drive me crazy. Besides, there is far too much to do in the world!
The only reason I can see I would have a large asset pool is so I can have more stuff. And stuff requires that it be cared for. Stuff also begs the question..how much is enough? (Another great topic for a future newsletter). Already even those on the lowest level of middle class live in more luxury than any King or Queen of 150 years ago, and in better health.
Some people would say that money buys freedom-the freedom to do as you please. I have seen many people with great wealth and such huge responsibilities to take care of their wealth and their stuff that their freedom is limited. I have also seen people of great wealth who would trade it all for health. I have incredible health, through a great genetic pool and very consistent daily action towards its continuance.
I really do see that my life is very free. If I want something enough, no matter what the price tag, I know I have the resources inside of me to create it. However, I will not do anything to have it. And this is where the greatest distinction lies. That there are things I simply wouldn’t do. There are principles involved here, and my own self disciplines. These principles I am revisiting today, to be sure that they are consistent, appropriate and support me in the highest way possible. Principles such as living in my own integrity. (Big word, “integrity”; very overused in our society I believe, so I use it with care.) Integrity to me means wholeness. Natural design. Living in integrity is doing what I am born to do, in the most complete way possible. Honouring my truth from moment to moment. Acting with consistency on it. This sounds very easy, and is actually not. If it were easy, everyone would do it.

So where does this leave me at 48, looking at my life fast approaching 50? No, my life did not turn out as I expected. My hunch is that the next 50 plus years will also not turn out as I expect. Maybe the lesson is to give up the expectation entirely. Hmm. What am I expecting? Probably more of the same old expectations - wealth and fame. And if this NEVER happens, how will I be with myself in that? Will I continue to consider myself a failure? Or will I realise that I have been fabulously successful. Off the charts successful. I have raised a child almost single-handedly, and she has wanted for little, we have travelled the world, made the very best of friends with some amazing people who are doing wonderful work. I have been true to myself as much as I have been able, and always challenged myself to be increasingly more true to myself. I have learnt that I am perfectly capable to make my way in the world as an independent. I work with the most inspirational clients. I have beauty in my life in abundance. Instead of stuff I have collected experience and knowledge sprinkled with some adventure.

My work now, and probably my biggest of all challenges, is to stay completely centred in my connection to my guidance, daily, hourly, moment to moment, and to honour this, to the letter, small and big. To trust and surrender..and serve.. As my great teacher Buckminster Fuller says:
“So, I simply say, what you can do personally is commit yourself to what is truth. That’s all.”

If I can do this, and do this with my life now dedicated to service to as many people as possible, to support their healthy emergence, then I will have been a success and one of the wealthiest women in the world. To that I will drink deeply.
And hey….bring on the unexpected! …..anything can happen.

I would love to hear from you….has your life turned out as you expected…or has the unexpected brought you gifts beyond your imagination…?

(This is a reprint of an article I published 2 years ago on my newsletter, Dare to Care.)

The Archetype of the Strong Single Woman

Tags: forever beta, synergy
Posted in Unique | Add a Comment »

Often I have wondered why I am still single as I approach my half century. I’ll admit that the older I get the less I worry about the why and the more I observe my single state with fascination. I do not have any peculiar habits (other than running long distances quite regularly), I am smart, independent, successful, happy, reasonably attractive.

This morning, driving in the dark to one of those long runs, it hit me. My life has been about learning to trust the masculine principle of God. To surrender myself to this. Ok, for those of you about to hit the delete button, let me try to explain this.

I do believe in the principle of Synergy. That 1 plus 1 in the right conditions equals at least 5, or 10 or 100… Take two people in Synergy and they create a result by their being together that far outweighs how much they could achieve or be as individuals. Synergy is the mystery of alchemy. We never know what we are going to get, and when we get much more than the single identities when taken on their own, we have great Synergy. A partnership without Synergy working would be quite pointless, business or personal. We have to be greater with the addition of the other, or lets not play.

I also understand the male female polarities. Inherent in our intrinsic design is this singularity that comes from the duality of a man and woman together. The Yin and Yang. (In same sex partnership, one partner usually carries the masculine and the other the feminine.)

I experience the creative force of the Universe, the all present intelligence as a more masculine force. I see the expression of this creativity in nature as the feminine. Father God, Mother Earth. Not separate, not one before the other, but both and.

As a female, and a Positive Deviant finding her way in the Brave New World, I, and many women like me, have a job to do. And that is to forge the pathways for a new way to be in relationship in the world. Indeed, we have to forge a pathway about how to be a woman in the Brave New World. Our old models, such as marriage, are no longer viable. Neither is this about being the divine feminine. We are all divine on some stage in the greater scheme of things, and all of us need to embrace that divinity, male and female. On some level, this new pathway transcends the masculine and feminine.

Implied in marriage even today when the statistics are so obviously pointing in the other direction, is a belief in forever. Partners for life! In my recent article, Forever Beta, I raise the possibility of us needing to embrace the model of forever beta in all aspects of our life. That we are constantly unfolding, and the more aware we are, the more open to learning we are, the faster we unfold.

To imagine two people unfolding at the same speed, and in the same direction, for 20-30-40 years is quite the jackpot.

Anyone who thinks we can come together as two people and stay together for a lifetime is struggling with some serious illusions. I am not saying it is impossible, I am saying it is a rare exception. A bit like winning the lottery. Certainly put it on your list of things to do if it means that much to you, and recognise that you may also be wise to surrender your attachment or need to have this kind of relationship, otherwise you may end up spending a lifetime being disappointed. Far better to stay present with daily relationship and give up any forever. Concentrate on navigating today. Enjoy the day, love the moment, be happy with now. It takes serious work to do just this, yet alone create a relationship that lasts forever.

Also implied in marriage is the role dynamic of wife and husband. Again these are old archetypes. The current and future world is challenging the heck out of them. We simply must find new ways to support each other in partnership that has a dynamic element to it.

In regards to raising children, maybe if we considered at the outset, prior to the birth of any children, there is a high possibility that we will not be together for the full time of their childhood, we would have different levels of dialogue before we choose children. We may look at our financial models, our housing and domestic arrangements with a different light. The subject of children makes these new models more tricky, and I am not sure what the solution will look like. I do know that we must consider a transition model that includes exploring the eventualities of the partnership not staying in a marriage or cohabiting form.

So here am I and other mature single women around the world coming to terms with singularity. I know during my time as a solo parent that I have had to learn to trust divine intelligence. To let go. To breath when fear had stopped me from remembering how to breath. This has not been easy. I still work at it. It occurred to me that this surrender and trust has been me learning to relax my feminine into the masculine of God. That my path was not to find a man to do this with as is the norm. My path has been to surrender to the divine. On the very biggest plane, who knows why? I suspect at some point I will look back and say to myself…oh…I get it…and the mystery will be revealed.

I also know that I seek union and connection with ultimate Love. I am clear now that I am not only after the love that comes between a man and a woman, for I have learned through experience of the transience nature of this love. I have hungered, like I believe at a soul level we all hunger, for the union with the divine. The eternal union, the one that the great poets and mystics write about in ecstasy.

As Rumi writes..

There is some kiss
we want
with the whole
of our lives…

I have longed for this union. So of course I stay single because nothing else so far measures. I seek something that no mortal can provide. Yet I also suspect that one pathway to the divine is through human love. I glimpse this in the love I have for my daughter, and for my dog.

Again as Rumi says

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you,
not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere
they’re in each other all along…

I wonder if the archetypal pattern of this union between the human and the immortal/divine is why books such as Twilight have so entranced our society..

So I walk the difficult path, and we cut new ground. One of my archetypes is the pioneer, and as Meg Wheatley said, its lonely getting to the future first. That is not to say others have not broken the rules and gone before. Many women over the centuries have indeed gone before. Some of them saints and mystics, others regular women like me.

Our job, while still largely to be revealed, is to lay down tracks for new pathways of relationships. We hold the space that allows the old model to crack. There is nothing wrong with us. We simply cannot fit the old model of marriage and wife.

Most men find us somewhat intimidating because we  do not need them to fulfill the old roles. So in our process we are supporting the creation of a new way for men to be in the world and in partnership. We all get to explore the multiple options and possibilities that are available the moment we take the old sacred cows like marriage off the table.

Would I like my life to be different? Sometimes. It can get lonely, and it is certainly not easy. Neither is being married! Would I like a male partner? Yes. And I do not discount the possibility of this happening. I would suspect that if it does, it will be a wise and mature relationship, where there is a comfort with most of our old stereotypes being abolished or simply not present. And where neither of us doubts that we are together to find greater depth and connection to the divine through the expression of our love. Or even more simply, to share great experiences, laugh a lot, be besties together…without the rigid expectations of our collective relationship history.

I’ll keep you posted..

The Principle of Exchange -Creating a Win Win Win in all relationships

Tags: dynamic equilibrium, principle of exchange, true value, win win win
Posted in Conscious Communication, Leadership Development | Add a Comment »

When the Principle of Exchange is working well, all parties feel valued. No one feels that they are giving more, working harder, spending more time, not being appreciated. The relationships are void of any form of resentment.

To understand the Principle of Exchange, we must first be mindful of dynamic equilibrium. Equilibrium occurs when all acting influences are cancelled by others, resulting in a stable, balanced or unchanging system. Equilibrium is not inactivity, but rather dynamic balance.
Nature exhibits a dynamic drive towards equilibrium. For example, if you enter a warm room in winter, allowing some of the outside cold air in as you enter, that cold air will quickly equalise to a mean temperature, rather than stay as a pocket of cold air.
Similarly, we as humans, seek a dynamic equilibrium in our work and life, through the exchange of value.

Value however, is a very individual thing. Our traditional currency for value is money. I buy a loaf of bread, and I will pay anywhere from a few dollars to $6 plus. If I am starving, and there is only one loaf to be had, I could pay more for it and still consider that I have been receiving fair value for my money/exchange. The Principle of Exchange applies.

There are many other forms of currency. I may have lots of time. Time therefore has less value to me. You, on the other hand, are really busy, and have little available time. Time becomes of high value to you, for which you will willingly pay a premium.

Or.. I may get vital needs met by taking care of someone or people. The caretaker role could allow me to feel loved, needed or important. Therefore I spend time willingly as a caretaker, receiving my value exchange in the process.

You may be a creative, and love to work with people on new ideas. Time spent in this domain, which is not part of your paid work, could really nourish your soul, and therefore give you such value that you are happy to do this for free or a small fee.

However, if the value equilibrium if broken, if the forces of give and take are not balanced, then a situation occurs where there is an experience on one or both sides of the values exchange where there is more give, less take, or more take, less give. This situation is unsustainable in the long term, both at the micro level, which occurs between two or more people, and at the macro level, which we are facing in our crisis of global warming. (This is a more complex discussion on the principle of values exchange, beyond the scope of this article. In simple terms, we have been, as a human race, taking far more value than we have been giving back, in respect to the earth/gaia/the environment)

For the purpose of this article, we shall look at this through the lens of two people. If one person becomes aware that their value exchange is no longer in place, they will experience resentment. Initially, this is a mild form of resentment, however, as the situation continues, the resentment will build and has the potential to become explosive/destructive. The Principle of Exchange is broken.

Simple case example, I give of my time in a work situation, for which I am paid an agreed salary. My manager keeps asking me to do more and more tasks, take on more and more responsibility, with out any increase in salary. For some people, this situation would be acceptable. They may be getting their needs met - needs to feel important, to make a contribution, to be a vital team player etc. However, another person who has a high need for family and home life will fairly quickly experience a loss of equilibrium, and will start to feel resentment on an escalating scale.

As leaders and managers, it is crucial that we understand this Principle of Exchange and be constantly monitoring its status. Any signs of resentment towards the company, or towards the manager is a likely red flag that the Principle of Exchange needs to be brought back into equilibrium. This would require a Dare to Care conversation. (or see Conscious Communication on the Positive Deviant site)

As business owners and people in relationship to other people, it is very important that we understand the Principle of Exchange, and apply it, regularly monitoring the values equilibrium of the people around you. Is resentment present? If so, the values equilibrium may be out of whack.

In all of our relationships at Syzergy, we work with conscious intent to ensure that the values equilibrium is maintained and the Principle of Exchange is healthy. We do this by introducing the conversation in very clear terms at the front end of the relationship, ensuring that each party is clear on their role, what is expected of them, and what will be their values exchange. We also request that if the other parties ever feel like the values exchange is moving out of equilibrium, they speak up. This doesn’t mean we take our eye off the ball and step over any sign of resentment. We will revisit the values exchange conversation regularly to be sure all parties are within equilibrium. This is a critical key. Many people will have this conversation at the beginning of a relationship, and then fail to revisit it regularly enough. Often people are happy to be overly generous at the start of a relationship, but if they do not get some form of exchange, such as respect, acknowledgement, payment, or genuine appreciation, at some point they will begin to feel resentment.

Unfortunately our society has slipped into ever increasing levels of entitlement. The ~I deserve~ society. Or, ~I am owed~. Or, pure and simple, ~give me!~. This approach is really a “dis-ease” state, breaking the natural law of dynamic equilibrium, where the equation is strongly pitched to the take side, with almost complete neglect of the give side.

To break this cycle, which is pandemic:

Step 1.  Clean up your own act and get back into values equilibrium-ask yourself;

What am I giving?

What value am I adding? (Whether it be as a tax payer, a volunteer, a conscious recycler, an activist, a philanthropist etc.)

What do I think I deserve, and why? Is it my entitlement speaking, or my true value? (Your true value is an internal recognition that is without ego. You will know if it is ego if there is any form of demanding energy, or righteousness, or arrogance. True value is humility and acceptance. It does not need to make noise or tell anyone… Ouch…!!)

Step 2. Coach, teach and train others around you to be clear around their own Principle of Exchange.

What are their expectations?

Are you able to meet their expectations or not…you may need to negotiate?

How would they know they had experienced a win for them? What would they have, or be, or know?

What would a win win win look like? This is where they win, I win and the organisation or third part wins.

The Principle of Exchange is critical to any successful relationship. Common examples where this principle is not working…

“Why don’t you ever help me around the house?”

“I seem to do everything around here!”

“I do all the work and he gets all the accolades!”

“I seem to attract relationships where I get to work hard, make all the money and my partner hangs out having a good time, living off my work!”

Bring the Principle of Exchange into your conscious communication as a daily habit and life is sweeter.

What do you think..where have you been on the down side of exchange..or where are you now on the downside, and what are you going to do about it? Let me know.

Kairos Time

Tags: endurance, kairos time, self discilpines
Posted in Guinea Pig C-personal category | Add a Comment »

(Kairos Time refers to an ancient Greek word (Kairos) meaning the right or opportune moment.)

Life is such a grand adventure. Only a month ago I was in a serious internal question about what the heck I was doing wrong? It had felt like nothing was coming easy.
My daily practice includes a form of mediation, inquiry, embodied experience of the future in the present, surrender, letting go….
My forever prayer has been to ask to be used in the biggest way possible, to serve the most people with humility and grace. (I guess there is a paradox even in this sentence…for the biggest work possible may have a touch of my agenda…my ego need! Who is to say that smiling at the bus driver is not the biggest work?)

During this time of winter I said yes to any work, with gratitude. Paid or not paid…just to be able to do what I do well and to throw myself out to service, with trust. (This is not to say that trust was always present. Many times I doubted, and fear and scarcity were walking with me, even as I begged them to leave.)

Up until 1 month ago I felt that the doors to the Universe were still closed. There was no flow. I was standing outside the stream, watching it flow right by me.

“What am I doing wrong?” I beseeched to the heavens?

“And then finally…”What is this all about?”

“Endurance!” was the answer. “Oh…endurance”, I said. I know endurance well. I have spent the last 15 years of my life in the daily practice of endurance sport. And I seem to have a natural talent for it. So I wrote the article on Endurance.

And at about the same time, doors started to open. Something shifted. I was back in the flow. I do believe that this was not about where my mind was, but rather that this timing, what is called Kairos time. Heavenly time. Its the timing stuff we need to surrender to.

Retrospection is a wonderful thing. It makes the paradoxical and irrational and unreasonable make some form of sense. I am someone who likes to make sense of things. Most of us like to have some idea of just where we are on the map. Which way is north. During these past months, my compass was working as if I were living at one of the poles, north was everywhere and anywhere. Unfixed. Moved with every step. Very discombobulating.

And such great training too, as the qualities I believe we need to get us through the current times include the ability to throw all the cards in the air and have them stay in the air. To be comfortable in the most uncomfortable of places, uncertainty. Phew, what a practice is this one, especially for an orderly Virgoan.

Kairos time kicked in and doors I had been knocking on for years, seem to be opening.

Of course! It could only be this way. We don’t need faith and trust when the bounty of life overflows on our lap. Its when the cupboards are bare and there is no sign of spring that faith is required. And always, through good and bad, practice and self discipline. (disciple unto the self) are required.

For years I have been working away, building my skills. Always learning, doing the inner work. Never shirking. I have made many mistakes, the biggest of which has to get caught up in other peoples journeys and compare them to mine, making mine wrong or less than theirs. So strange really, because in my sport I gave that silly little practice up long ago. Decided that the only race I had any control over was my own..so I might as well focus on that. And that my race would go just as it does on the day. Some days spectacular, some days average and some days frankly hard from the first step. That the mind component is only a part of the equation, all be it a significant part. The prework and training, experience, self care all contribute. And that there is this other mysterious piece, over which we have no control. This thing I call Kairos time. Not a moment too soon, not a moment too late. That I do believe there is some divine music playing that knows intrinsically when the melody peaks to crescendo, or falls into long spaces and darkness.

Listening to Caroline Myss over the weekend, she said in in another way. We have to have   done our time before we have the right to teach and work in the realm of the mystics.

I have done my time. I know it now. I did not know it a month ago. I was still in my wanting mind, comparing myself to others, doubting self and the divine order. Finally, I let go. For of course that was what was needed. To really let go and let God. To longer need, or want,  to be OK with who I am, just as I am OK with my running ability.

And of course, as Kairos time would have it, the doors then opened. I can see God laughing at the paradox of it all. How else would I learn trust, patience, endurance and surrender? It is so perfect it can only be funny.

Lets drink to Kairos time….

Endurance - Staying the course in life against all odds using ultra distance running as a metaphor.

Tags: endurance, marathons, running, ultra distance running
Posted in Guinea Pig C-personal category | Add a Comment »

Online Etymology Dictionary, © 2001 Douglas Harper

We all must learn endurance at some stage in our life as humans. We will have to endure pain, suffering, waiting, seeking, wanting, not having…until we learn the ultimate lesson of endurance, which is to let go.

In my own life I have chosen the path of the endurance athlete. Long distance triathlon, including Ironman, and then marathons and ultra marathons. On the rational plane it makes no sense to subject body and mind to hours, or days of extreme physical and emotional effort, all in the name of fun.

Speak to an endurance athlete and behind the craziness you will find a sense of reverence. In their trials of endurance they discover something transcendent and unexplainable. Often there is some form of spiritual experience. To transcend limits and go into the realm of the unknown. I know that for me my ultra running allows me to slip into a space and place of no-thingness. Timeless, beautiful…beyond effort.

It is no surprise then that a few weeks ago in my prayers when I questioned what was happening in my life, I heard the word endurance. That I am learning endurance as part of the day to day existence, and not just as a chosen way of being an athlete.

Oh…I said to myself. I know how to do that. I know how to endure. I have been practicing endurance in my sport for 15 years and I have a level of mastery around it.

Surely I could use this skill and apply the lessons of endurance running to my own life?

Here is what I do when I plan an endurance running event.
First I choose the event and the distance I am training for. There is a big difference in mental and physical preparation between a marathon (42 km-26 miles) and a run of 96 km (60 miles). (Actually the physical preparation is about the same. Even if you are running an ultra marathon, marathon training is about the longest run training you will do. To go out and run plus 4 hours week after week exacts too big a toll on the body to be of much use. So the main distinction is the mental and spiritual training.)

Applying this to my life…in the choosing of my pathway, as an affirmed Positive Deviant, it is not possible for anything less than a goal that is going to challenge the best of me. I was speaking to my friend and colleague, Michael Hann http://www.oberonpartners.com/ yesterday and he is going for world peace. Michael is not the kind of guy who makes flippant remarks…he is really going for world peace…and I suddenly had to stop and ask myself what my pathway is..and what I am working so hard for.

“Inspiring people to live their truth in mind body spirit”…has always been what I have been about, and to do this via coaching, teaching, writing, speaking and especially through the way I live my life.  A big part of this is to support people to be able to speak up…speak up to themselves, as to what is their truth, speak up to others, to Dare to Care to speak when speaking up seems risky, or dangerous. I have been true to this path in one way of another, pretty much from the start. Many times it has felt difficult, even hard. Often times I have felt extremely challenged. Sometimes I have gone off course.

Going back to my endurance running as metaphor, the mental and spiritual preparation for an endurance event is critical. This has been a gift for me, because I have never really had to work at this. I have just known that it was in me to go for a very long way. Part of this has been the strategy I set for myself as a discipline. I do not think of how far we have to go. Never. I stay in the present. The next step, or at most, the next kilometer. Staying present is critical. Countless writers over the centuries have spoken about the need to practice present time consciousness as a way of being.  And I go inside and run at a pace that I know will hold for a long time. Just a fraction too fast and things will start to break down. Too easy and my mind becomes lazy, and quitting looks like an option. Pacing is critical, and I am great at it naturally. So many people run out too hard, and never make the distance. I always pass them…the longer the run, the more I know I will pass them. It is the tortoise and the hare and I am very clear about who I am.

In my running pacing and staying present is easy–like an old and beloved jacket that I slip into. In life…well..that is another matter entirely. I am always examining my position from where I should be. I have trusted less my ability to stay the course. I have gone too hard in many starts, or too slow… I have compared myself relentlessly with others. This above all else has created the struggle. The comparison and the lack of certainty and trust. Comparison kills spirit.

In my endurance running I do the training. Without fail and with full commitment. Up at 4 am, 7 days a week. My morning practice of meditation and contemplation, then my running, or swimming (I swim three days, run 4 days). Consistency is key. I can rely on myself to show up, and almost always to show up with enthusiasm. Full of spirit and happy to be running. This was not always the case. In the early days I had to do mind games…the best one being to ask myself, as I was warm and snug in bed…if I stay in bed, how will I feel in 2 hours if I do not get up? How will I feel in 2 hours if I do get up? How will I feel by the end of of the day if I do not get up? If I do? Most of the time the answer would be that I would feel lousy. Lazy. Guilty, fat, indulgent, cheating myself, unreliable. So I would choose instead to be vitalised, empowered, happy. Occasionally my body needed the extra rest, and staying in bed would make me feel great. This is rare.

In my life I also do the training. I stay open to learning in every domain, I keep my inner practice up every day, I keep applying myself with rigor. Check this box, go to the next question…(some of you may need to do work in this area..)

In my endurance running I build a support team. This includes the people I train with. They make training fun, sociable and they stretch me. In my swimming I have my coach, Raelene. She keeps me always learning. Still, after 13 years of swimming three times a week I am learning. I love that I am always learning. In the endurance events your support crew are vital. They give their time in complete service to you on race day. It is a very selfless gift and one that makes all the difference. Your family at home who tolerate your crazy hours, sweaty and smelly clothes, and all the other accoutrements that come with a discipline.

In my life I have only in recent times consciously built a support team. For most of the last two decades, my inner mantra has been some crazy idea that I can do it on my own. Some heroic and impossible delusion. Finally I have woken up to this. No more heroics, no more.. the joy of life is doing things with great people. Partnering, supporting others, getting supported. Putting your hand up…asking for help…building a team. This has been a big change in my recent life. And one I am still working on…solo is an illusion and just plain silly.

Get to the start line in good shape… keep healthy, eat great food, get lots of rest, keep your body and mind in alignment. Chiropractor, blood tests, heart checks, dentist… Hmm..check this box…always can do with some tweeking here and there, but for the most part I do this well. My health and its maintenance has been my number one priority for most of my life.

Race day. The ground work has been done. Months if not years of training behind you. Now you can relax. It is time to go inside, to trust, to pay exquisite attention to your body, to heed the signals and make adaptations. Work with your team. Fine tune. Stay the course. Notice pains and sensations…question them..do they need attention or action, or do we need to let them go? Often during a long distance run there will be occasions where you feel like %$#@!!. I have learned that if you focus on the &%$#@!! feeling, you will get more of the feeling. I do not ignore it, because that is not healthy. I may need to make some minor modifications–increase or decrease fluid, eat, change sox, etc…but often what I need to do is switch my focus to something else, like the beauty around me, and let my attention on the the feeling go. Usually, at some point, I notice that I am feeling good again. This cycle of feeling good and bad can happen half a dozen times within a single event. Just like life…

In life I have tended to focus on the feeling way too much. Give it too much attention. Hold onto it. It stays with me for days/weeks.. I am learning to dialogue with it, make the adjustments, take the actions, and then let it go. Focus on something else. The other day I did just this when I fell down some stairs while running in the dark. I landed very heavily on my right knee, and had difficulty weight bearing. My mantra was to keep moving, keep moving, keep moving. Get to the bottom of the stairs, keep moving. Hobble..keep moving. Within about 10 min I was running normally, with no pain. I was paying attention to the pain in an objective kind of way..as a means to gather information. However I was not focused on the pain itself. If the signal was such I would have stopped. I had zero swelling, and very minor residual pain, which was taken care of after a visit to my chiropractor. I know that if I had of focused on the pain I would probably have not been able to walk, my knee would have become swollen, and all sorts of issues would have arisen…

Don’t get caught up in other people’s race. Wow! I do this so very well in running, and have done this so very badly in my life. I have spent too much time in comparison. Look what this person is doing, how well they are going. What is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? BIG lesson here. Again, don’t ignore what others are doing, learn from them, but if you have done all the work, then trust yourself more. A lot more. In my running I know I will prevail. It is not even about winning, although I am very competitive with myself. In an ultra-distance event, winning often becomes secondary to enduring the event and finishing in the best way possible- in my life I have doubted that I will endure and often felt like I have not made it. The best runs I have ever done were runs where I completely let go of the outcome, ran my own race, stayed the course and enjoyed the experience. Often in a personal best time.

And this is a big one…enjoy the experience. Even when it gets hard, I know that this too will change. And it does. And that the overall experience is what matters. Its the rollercoaster…to get the highs I have to experience the lows. Its just the way it is. I love it all.

Finally, there is the finish line. A place to celebrate. Pause, reflect, breath. Share the journey with your crew. And rest. I am good at this in my running and rather shabby at it in my life. Little celebration and little rest. I just keep going, afraid that if I don’t something will fall down.

In my resting I take a week off, then have a few easy months. Then I choose another event, and the process starts again, with new obstacles, new lessons, constant improvement, different players, different conditions…

Hmm…what have I learned when bringing the experience of endurance sport into my life.

*That I do endurance well…it is part of my path…some people are sprinters, some are stayers…
*Build a great team.
*Trust and relax more because I have done the work. Know we will prevail.
*Do not get caught up in other people’s events. Stay true to my own.
*Stay the course. Endure the highs and lows…this too shall pass.
*Celebrate. Enjoy the success, no matter what outcome. If you have done your very best, then celebrate.

In the current endurance event of my life, by the way, I do believe I am approaching the part just beyond half way, where I can see some of the early leaders in sight. My steady consistent and persistent path and my staying true to my own course is looking like it will pay off. Of course!…How did I ever doubt? I will keep you posted….

Leadership Development Trends for the 21st Century

Tags: integral leader, leadership development program, leadership development trends
Posted in Leadership Development | 4 Comments »

The leadership development trends are currently in a holding pattern. We really have not seen any major change in how we educate our leaders in a very long time. Sure, there has been some minor tweaks, but nothing to keep pace with the rapid change in all of our technology. Anyone who doubts that the world is going through a massive epochal change is asleep at the wheel. While it could take another 25-50 years, this time is the current version of the transition from dark ages to the age of enlightenment.

1. They would understand at an intimate level that everything effects everything else. There is no small act, no thought in isolation. How I act, what I say, what I think, what I feel, what I do, my health, all of these things are relevant.

*Physics and metaphysics- including an introduction to quantum models
*Integral Health 101
*Spiritual Practice and contemplation-exploring different options and looking at the lives of the mystics, past and present (I would include Albert Einstein and Buckminster Fuller in this category. For information on Buckminster Fuller see http://www.positive-deviant.com/buckminster-fuller.html)

2. A leadership development program would also address the foundations of our culture. Subjects would include;

*History, not for the sake of learning dates, but for understanding how we got here
*Philosophy- to explore the wisdom of the ages
*Anthropology- to understand people and culture at a deeper level. This would include developmental theory.

3. Leadership development trends would ensure a heavy emphasis on communications and relationships skills. Leaders are by their very nature, leaders of PEOPLE. They need to be advanced in their ability to communicate with others, both in the individual and group setting. Foundational to this is a deep understanding of our human operating system.

*Resilience
*Change dynamics
*Systems theory and complexity
*Natural design science
*Synergy
*Leverage
*Precession (see http://www.positive-deviant.com/precession.html )
*Ephemeralisation
*Integral theory (see http://www.positive-deviant.com/sense-making.html )

8. One of the great leadership development trends is the ability to work in collaboration and not isolation. Building and developing sound relationships while always exploring win/win/win solutions. These skills will be developed as all of the above are studied and experienced. In addition, learning social technologies are critical for the integral leader.

The Transrational World…Working in a world beyond reason

Tags: beyond reason, integral second tier, transrational
Posted in Leadership Development | 2 Comments »

Building the transrational world into my life.
During my Christmas 08/09 meltdown period, I came to recognise that I had slowly and insidiously let go of any way of being in life that did not have a reasonable, rational, linear pathway. I had lost any sense of the miraculous and serendipitous.

In my earlier life I operated much more from the place of the miraculous, trusting that with a clear intent, and aligned in my integrity, the world would conspire for my success.

We currently live in a very Orange, Post Modern world. (In Integral Theory-orange is the stage of development that is about achievement, success, status, having the right house, the right car, kids at the right schools, setting and meeting goals. It is the home of modern science, and measurement of all things. It is a very rational world.)
Do this, and you get that. Eat too much food and you get fat…… Linear, rational, very sensible, explainable, scientific. Black and white.

I was 24 years old when I first had this rational world unplugged as an adult and learnt something about the transrational world. I was working at a very specialised Health Retreat, and my role was to be sure guests lost weight. Every Sunday when the new guests arrived, we would weigh them. They would then spend the week eating a strict non fat, no carb, vegetarian, mostly raw food diet. They also had to walk up and down a steep hill three times a day to get to the dining hall. Low low calories and more exercise than usual. That should mean weight loss, right? Well sometimes….

It seemed that pure science of energy in-energy out and what is left is stored as fat worked often but not always. I am sure you have met people who eat large quantities and never gain an ounce? Or people who only have to smell food and they seem to gain weight?
Every Wednesday I would get a call from the gym where the guests were weighed. “Christine, the guests are not happy–they are not loosing weight.” Most did, but some people would not shift even a few grams. After observing people who did not loose weight for some months, I developed the skill of being able to pick those guests who would not be able to shift their kilo’s. Their weight was part of who they were- emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, and until they let go of the weight they carried in these domains, they would not shift the kilo’s on their physical body. This challenged all of my scientific medical training. It was not rational, or linear, or evidence based. It meant that there was something else going on. The transrational world applied here.

We want our world to be rational and evidenced based. It makes it simple and keeps it from falling into confusion and chaos. It makes us feel we have maintained some level of control, and keeps the fear of not knowing, or understanding, or it not making sense, away from us. And we are terrified by the very thought of chaos and lack of control. The transrational world is not a place of comfort or any level of certainty.

Even in the coaching world there is a large movement built around evidenced based coaching. And definitely the corporate world wants nice neat little formula’s as to the returns on all investment. While most things can be measured, and a degree of measurement is good, not all things are able to be measured, nor should they. There must be a place were we are required to let go and embrace the mystery….to live in the transrational. Love for example, or compassion, creativity, beauty..these things often make no sense at all, and yet they are also the most important aspects of life. In coaching, when we work at the level of a persons deepest truth, it would look to a rational, evidence based, outcomes based HR/Training manager, that we are wasting time and money. If we understand the principle of precession we would know that by focusing on working with the person at this level would have precessional effects in all of the desired areas, without actually working on any of them.

Precession is a transrational model.

Even while I lived and worked within the domain of Integral Theory, which at least considers the four domains of the interior and exterior of the individual and collective–or in plain English, our beliefs and values, our relationships and culture, plus the world of the measurable and scientific, I had lost connection with the world beyond the rational scientific. The world that doesn’t follow human rules that can cause a terminal illness to disappear in a nanosecond, or someone you were just thinking about to call you. This is what occurs in the transrational world.

I had reduced my world to steps and processes. Do this, get that. Set a goal, take action, get the result.

The problem was that this old trusted method stopped working for me. One of the several triggers for my Meltdown. It is no surprise, as the work I do is in the world of the transrational, Integral Second Tier. Transcend and include the rational. Somehow I had to be booted out of the rational world I had applied with success to this point to my own life.
Positive Deviants work in the transrational world. They know that there is all of the logical elements….the vision, the goals, the strategy and action steps, and then there is this other transrational element. The unexplainable. The mysterious, miraculous, unexpected.
Mother Teresa worked from this world every day. All the great mystics worked with this world. They did not shirk the work on the physical plane, and embraced the work going on behind the scenes on the spiritual plane. Buckminster Fuller, certainly a mystic in his own right, lived in complete surrender to this world. Albert Einstein, another great example.
Call it God, Spirit, the field, source, light…by whatever name, it is unexplainable because it escapes comprehension and language.

Humankind will continue to attempt to explain the mysterious- to convert the unknown into the known. And we may come ever closer. However, to try to reduce everything to rational sense making equations leaves nothing for the unexpected, heart breaking, heart making experiences that give our life real meaning. It is the kind smile of a stranger, or the phone call from a friend out of the blue that we remember forever.

*Why do we fear the unknown so much?

*What is the healthy benefit of embracing the mysterious component of life?

*How would our life be if we had everything in neat little packages of knowledge? Would the adventure remain? Our exploration into the many realms of time and space?

*Would we become the very mechanistic beings this model is seeking. No randomness, spontaneity, synchronicity? Boring, dull, automatron’s?

In the past few months my transformation out of the meltdown has been through a daily application and reconnection with the world of the miraculous..to fully embrace the transrational.

While I have never been afraid of work, and will work all the hours needed to get things done, re-learing how to be in surrender to the world of the transrational..to grace..to let go and let the mysterious play a vital part, to invite that in…is requiring a level of self awareness and discipline that is challenging my deepest thought structures daily. Sometimes the best work I can do is to sit completely still and do nothing.

In our postmodern, Western Orange level world and work place, the act of being still is unacceptable. Yet the truth is that the solutions to our current global problems will only come from the transrational mind. We cannot reason our way through these problems. It was reason that got us here. Divorcing ourselves from the transrational spiritual domain and relying only on the linear, mechanistic world.

Leadership development for the 21st Century requires schooling in the transrational domain. It requires skill in contemplation, silence, prayer. Show me an MBA program that has “Mystical Contemplation” as one of its core subjects?

In future articles I will write about how I have learned to connect to source easily, how there is now considerable evidence of the field/matrix/source of all creation, how most of the ancient traditions had deep knowledge of this, and spoke and wrote about access this place, and how I am learning to break down my linear rational beliefs and work fully in the world of the transrational miraculous. We will also discuss- just for fun- what a Leadership Development program of the 21st century would look like.

See www.positive-deviant.com for articles on Buckminster Fuller, Integral Theory, Precession and Leadership Development.

Deception, Truth and Conscious Communication

Tags: deception, truth
Posted in Conscious Communication | Add a Comment »

The mythology of my life has been a passionate inquiry/quest into truth. At core to understand what is truth for me, and in the larger frame, to understand and integrate the Universal Truths.
I use capital T for Universal Truths, as they are the operating code of Universe, and small t for my own truth, to distinguish between the two.
A example of a Universal Truth is the Golden Rule. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” This applies to everyone, everywhere. If we do not live by this Truth then the Universal Truth of Karma, or cause and effect, will apply.
A truth for me may be an action I take today that is right for me today. It may not be right for me tomorrow, or last week. Today it is my truth. I know it will be a truth for me because no single part of my being, body, psyche will have even a tiny shadow of doubt, concern, murkiness and when I have taken action around my truth there will be no residue for me on any level. (As always we must consider my truth in light of my lines and levels of development and my mental health. Someone at egocentric red stage of development for example, will have as their truth that it is totally OK to kill innocent people to make a point. Or someone at the amber absolute stage of development will believe that it you do not adopt their faith then hell is the only destination. A paranoid schizophrenic has no ability to determine truth. It is because of these distinctions that the subject becomes so complex). All truths at the level of self will be encompassed by Universal Truths.

This article will not address the finer distinctions between Truth and truth, as this is a complex subject worthy of a whole book. Universal Truths on their own is a very big subject likely to create strong debate.

Today we will be looking at truth and deception and how we must bring awareness to our ability to deceive as we develop conscious communication.

The etymology of the word deception is from “Middle English deceiven, from Old French deceveir, from Vulgar Latin *dēcipēre, from Latin dēcipere, to ensnare, deceive : dē-, de- + capere, to seize;”

To deceive involves the deliberate misrepresentation of the truth.
To betray implies treachery.
To mislead means to lead in the wrong direction or into error of thought or action.

In my work with conscious communication we deal with the overt situations, the obvious, observable events, AND, we look at the subtle, micro, energetic events. Deception at the overt level is pretty easy to observe. It is at the micro level that things become tricky and one must explore with great care, for deception lies hidden, like a sleeping monster, able to rot relationship with insidious energetic poison over a long long time.

Examples: I may have an interior conversation about how I am going to take an action. I will do “X”. Many of us have had these interior conversations and make promises around doing “X” for years, even decades.
X = lose weight, get fit, eat better food, drink less, end a bad relationship, stop spending money, take the course, play more…..
When we have X be part of our ongoing interior conversation and DO NOTHING about it, then we are in self deception. Or, even worse, when we do something about it that is not really committed but allows us believe we are really taking action - this is actually just another ploy we are playing out to deceive ourselves…. On the overt level, this deception is not easily observed. There may be signs, like overweight, heart disease, general long term unhappiness… only you really know if you have been deceiving self. Most people do not have the courage to admit that they have.

On an even more subtle level, if we say to ourselves and others that we really want a long term committed relationship, and yet we keep a half dozen mild entanglements with other people fed and watered (even if we are feeding them scraps very sporadically), then we are in both self deception and deception to others. We are deceiving ourselves by not acting with complete integrity around what we say, and what we do, and we are deceiving the others by keeping them fed and watered, even on scraps, that there is any possibility of a relationship with them no matter how remote and distant that might be.

At the most subtle level, deception deals with energy. If my energy is aligned and clean, this means that what I THINK, what I FEEL, what I EMOTE, what I SENSE, is what I say and do. Total congruence in my conscious communication.

If I say I want a long term committed relationship, and I think about having fun with 3 or 4 people, I am in self deception at a very subtle level. If I actually have 3 or 4 people I keeping dangling on a string with even the slightest intimation that there is possibility of a relationship with them, then my deception is of greater overt magnitude, but no more or less toxic.

We have all been deceived and we have all deceived.

We know what it feels to deceive. At the overt level, you lie to someone, blatantly. Lying is also done by omission. Withholding, not speaking. This is more covert. What we will do is come up with a thousand and one very valid reasons why it is good to lie to the other, or to withhold. However, at the energetic level, we are now carrying an energetic toxic charge, a psychic free radical. We are no longer free. Our energy is muddy and becomes heavier, and the frequency of our perception and insight is diffused. Life will slow down. Synchronicity will fail us. Our vitality will be dimmed, even to a small degree. Multiple this one little transgression of withholding or lying by 10 and we get lead boots. Everything in our life becomes harder. The more conscious you are the harder it gets and the more this compounds. Nothing seems to work so well. Consciousness is truth and clarity. The higher your consciousness the faster the effects of any form or level of deception will work, and the heavier the cost.

When others deceive us some part of our subconsciousness knows. The energy is not clean, and unclean energy registers in our psyche somewhere. We may not have the conscious awareness of what it is, we may not have the language, but it will have registered.

Even at the extreme micro level-the level of atoms and cells, deception registers. Imagine it like a form of pollution. The body/mind/soul may be able to cope with a very small amount, but over time the toxicity multiplies like a cancer. It is nasty nasty stuff and pollutes and destroys homes, businesses, nations.

If you recall when you were children, you knew when your parents said no to you and meant MAYBE? Just as you knew when they said no to you and meant NO! We can register this distinction from a very very early age. Even a babe in arms has a truth discrimination meter available to them and all babies will work the weaknesses that their parents expose in themselves. We never loose this ability to pick up clean and crooked energy signals-clean being aligned and congruent, crooked being any form of untruth even on the micro level. Often as adults we do not pay attention to these subtle signals anymore, because we have replaced them with rational thoughts. Energetic signals have little physical tangible evidence and therefore do not fit the world of our rational linear brain.

Parents do know when their children are doing drugs, children really do know when their parents are not being truthful, a lover knows when their partner is betraying them, staff know when bosses are fabricating things. More often than not the reason we do not really look at the truth in our world is because, in the words of Jack Nicholson from the movie, “A Few Good Men”, “You can’t handle the truth!” And the simple fact is that most of us cannot handle it. We would rather go into denial, or pretend otherwise. We want our lives to stay safe and the same. The fear of all that will unravel when we really take a deep breath and look at the truth is so overwhelming that most of us just don’t do it. For years and years and years. And yet, it is still there, always with you, like a nasty shadow, following you around from day to day, keeping you from being fully alive and aligned. It makes us old before our time, it robs us of our vitality, it sludges our energy.

The truth will indeed set you free… it is the only thing that ever will. Extreme truth takes courage and always starts with you. It is the road less travelled and the path least taken for the simple reason that it is hard on the human level, and incredibly joyous on the soul level. It is the path of conscious communication and the path of the Positive Deviant.

…life and freedom, or slow toxic living death….what do you choose?

Emergency Tool Kit for Maintaining Personal Sustainability

Tags: dark night, managing uncertainty, personal sustainability
Posted in Change | Add a Comment »

We all have times when out thinking, emotions, feelings and life in general are not moving the way we would like.

We may be in a down spiral of negative thoughts, our emotions may be frayed, and life might feel stuck, or horrible. We may suffer from anxiety or depression.

It is in these times that we need an Emergency Tool Kit, our own unique little box of tools, techniques and exercises that can get us back up, and into the positive.

The moment you are aware you have slipped down the spiral of negativity, that your thinking has become stinking, you pull out your Emergency Tool Kit and extract a specific tool or exercise to get you out of the haze.

Here are some ideas for your Emergency Tool Kit.

1. A journal
Your journal is your silent best friend. In this you record your thoughts and feelings, ask questions, jot down notes from great books, express emotions, draw pictures, write letters to self. In my journal I put quotes, thoughts from books, ask myself questions and write the answers unedited. It comes with me where ever I go. It is a reference and a place for introspection. My journal helps me keep perspective. It allows me to watch as I evolve. I have been keeping a journal of one form or other since I was 11. Reviewing my last years journal always surprises and delights me. Each year to travel so far and know that there is as much again to learn next year.

2. Music or art that takes you to a place of transcendent joy quickly
I have only recently discovered that I can listen to Tchaikovsky’s Ballets-The Nutcracker or Swan Lake, and if I really listen to the music, be almost immediately taken into an embodied experience of joy. In this state my heart is open, I feel light and free, I see myself dancing, I get that I am completely connected to the Universe and the source of all creation. If I was previously in a fear based state, even paralyzed, then listening to this music gets me unstuck very quickly. I can now even access this state by thinking about listening to the music.
Ask yourself what you have done in the past that fills you with an experience of joy. It could be music, it could be art, it could be walking in nature, or surfing..whatever it is, make it as accessible as possible. Getting out of an office and feeling the air on your face, or the sun, may work for you. Know what does work for you and put it into your Emergency Tool Kit.

3. A Positive Affirmation
Many years ago I participated in a workshop where we spent a day coming up with our own unique affirmation. This affirmation had to resonate with us so powerfully that when we said it everyone in the room got it was ours. I had never worked with affirmations before, and I do a limited amount of work with them even now. However, I do know their power from personal experience. At this time in my life I was caught in a very serious mental body image problem. Every minute of every waking hour of every day I was thinking to some degree about my body, my weight, what I would eat, not eat, etc. It was hell. This had been going on for 17 years, since I was 11. I used the affirmation, “I am a powerful joyous and loving woman, accepting myself and others” as a mantra. I would walk the beach for half an hour every day and this affirmation would be all that was in my head for that entire half hour. I did this for months and months. One day I decided that I had had enough of my mind and its thinking about my weight. These thoughts were ruling me. And I let it go. Literally! In its place, every time I was aware I was sinking into stinking thinking, I would say the affirmation over and over. I still use it on occasions.
Now I have found a new one, affirming that I am connected always to the source of all creation and that being connected as I keep my heart open, the Universe flows to me multiple ways, bringing me joy, love, friendships, business, money, opportunities.
When I find myself in a fear based and shut down place, I use this affirmation to remind myself that I have contracted from the world.

4. An Awareness of the State of my Heart
I was reading the highly recommended book, “Untethered Soul” by Michael Singer, and he talked about the heart being either open or closed. When our heart is closed, we become contracted. As a visual person, I imagine it like a walnut shell, all tightly contracted and wrinkly. Impenetrable. We shut out life in all forms.
When our heart is open, we are connected to source. We allow life to flow in ecstasy at our feet. Things become possible, other doors open, people respond to us with light and joy. The practice of checking to see if our heart is open or closed is a powerfully simple one.
Of course we close our heart to protect it, but in truth, how can shutting out life really protect us?
Is your heart open or closed? If it is closed, what will get it back open?

5. A Special Person to Vent with
Life can sometimes build so intensely that we find we have a backlog of emotional pressure that needs to be released.
Venting is a reliable way to release this type of pressure, however, we do need to be very careful in how we vent and to whom.
Having a BMW session (Bitch, Moan and Winge) with a special person is one option. There are a few ground rules in BMW session. The special person needs to know this is a BMW session. They are there to listen only. They do not advise, fix, suggest, or offer any solution. They must be of able mind and body to not take on board your toxic negativity. To simply listen and remain separate from your vent.
You need to be clear that you are venting, and that once you have got all the toxic stuff up and out, and created an internal clear space, the subject is over. You keep a clear boundary around a BMW session.
I have a friend who has vented into his voice mail, and then gone home and deleted it. Or you can vent in the car. Or you can vent by writing it down.
What ever you do, be sure to get it all out. And to do so without causing harm.
I find hard running a good way to vent excess toxic energy. It is one of the many reasons I run.

6. A Coach
There are some major distinctions to understand around the coaching process. A great coach has only one agenda. They want for you to live your life as aligned to your soul/spirit as possible. Therefore, in their coaching process, they loose themselves and it becomes the highest act of service to other. From this place, they ask questions that will challenge you, inspire you and cause you to take action, or make changes. They may also provide feedback that is a reflection of what you are projecting. This can be hard to swallow. A great coach is more concerned about you than they are about what you think of them. This gives them a platform to be of the very highest service to you.
We all need a great coach in our lives, simply because we cannot see ourselves clearly.
I find that I process by speaking out my jumbled thoughts, by being asked insightful questions. Therefore the very act of the dialogical process that occurs during coaching is very healing and discriminating. Often times my coach has asked me the right question and in my answer I get the ahh! (Syzergy) moment.
My coach also provides me with models and tools to consider new ways of being and doing, so there is a teaching component to coaching as well, all in service to my highest learning.

7. Presence what is so
There are some exquisite references for staying present. Including Eckhart Tolle’s work. If we are experiencing an emotion, such as fear, then simply acknowledging the fear has the ability to cause it to dissipate. Fear, anxiety, grief, jealously, etc only continue to manifest when we attempt to deny or block their existence. Practice being present to these emotions as they surface. From the Course in Miracles, “In my Vulnerability I become Invulnerable.” When we have something to hide we are open to attack.

8. A List of Powerful Questions
When we have paused the fear through music, dance, connecting to nature, opening our heart, we can access the quiet all knowing aspect of self. From here we are able to ask questions. The answer will come usually immediately. We need to let go of any judgements about the content of the answer and listen to it with full openness. At the least write the answer down, so you may consider it. As you build more trust, you will hear the answer and act on it.

Some possible questions.
What does my spirit ask me to do?
What am I to do today to serve the highest number of people?
What specific actions do I need to take?
What can I offer that has massive value?
Who do I need to call?
What am I not seeing?
What do I need to do right now?
How am I able to move through this pain/fear/upset/anger etc?

9. Breathing
When we are in fear, stress, upset, our breathing patterns change. Focusing on our breath
will change our reactions/responses.
What works for me is to imagine I am breathing in light and clean and exhaling the dark and dirty. Every in breath is light/clean, every out breath is exhaling the dark, fearful, angry, toxic mess.
Even just consciously slowing down our breathing will help. Count to five (or ten) on each in and out breath.

The sooner you are aware that you have slipped into stinking thinking, or your emotions have run away with you, take out your emergency tool kit.
Depending on the severity of the slip or slide, you may need to take one or all tools out.
If you catch yourself early enough, you can usually re-calibrate yourself, open your heart and move on, very quickly.

During Dark night moments, or months, accessing all the tools in this kit on a daily/multiple times daily basis can be an imperative. Plus you may need to add extra tools-such as therapy, medication, naturopathy, chiropractic, body work, breath work etc.

Knowing I carry my Emergency Tool Kit with me everywhere I go allows me to walk with a spring in my step, and a smile in my heart. It does not mean that everything is perfect-rather that when things seem to fall apart, I have some strategies to pull out.

The Graceful Art of Self Discipline

Tags: Buckminster Fuller, Leadership Development, self discilpines
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As a student of R.Buckminster Fuller, I have found his core foundation of self disciplines very inspiring. (See Critical Path, Chapter 4.) Late last year I resolved to form my own set. I will be clear, this is not the first time I have created a list -or code- to live by. The distinction is that this is the first time I have, in my increasing maturity, created a list that I know in my heart resonates with my highest values and that I hold the highest commitment to.
I was determined to keep this list as brief as possible. And to have it as part of my daily practice of review. No good to make it and throw it in the drawer. Each day I read this list and check that I honour my agreement to self. If I am unable to honour this agreement to self, then I will watch as my self esteem erodes, and I become a person I am unable to trust. I will not be my word.

Discipline =Disciple unto the self.
Disciple = pupil, to learn, to take apart, to grasp intellectually.

An important distinction to make about discipline is that to truly be a disciple unto the self, we need to discriminate between when to do what we have said we would do because to not would be failing ourselves and others, and when the body/soul/mind would be better served to take a break. This is the fine distinction between discipline and obsession. Obsession is when the mind/ego is in control, discipline is when the self/our highest wisdom, is clearly heard and acted on. Learning to distinguish between the voice of the ego and the voice of the highest self is one of the journeys we take as we learn to honour self. These skill sets are critical in leadership development and positive deviance.

Show me anyone who has ever achieved anything of significance without a healthy dose of discipline?

Many people find discipline abhorrent. In our world, the search for freedom is such a big deal, that we have simply forgotten that the partner of freedom is discipline. They are paired, forever, as the two sides of a coin.
In 2005 I wrote an article about this paradox of freedom. Please review this at
http://casts.webvalence.com/sites/DareToCare/Broadcast.D20051129.html
If you want more freedom, consider then your own self disciplines. If you want a foundation for leadership development, or to be a better leader…this is a place to start.

I share with you now the list I have as my core self disciplines. I will go through each one briefly, explaining what they are and what they mean to me. They are in no particular order. Each one is significant and synergistic.

1. Clean Communication
2. Daily exercise-maintain health
3. Spend less than I earn. Pay cash only for personal items.
4. Learn fully from my mistakes.
5. Be in Gratitude
6. Give more than I take
7. Be open/receptive
8. Let go, let God
9. Impeccable Integrity
10. Use gravitational attraction as my marketing plan, by giving massively to more people.
11. Say no to anything unless it is an absolute yes.

1. Clean Communication
This simply means that there is nothing I need to say, to anyone, at anytime. I have no residual upset, there is nothing about another persons actions or words to me that bug me on any level. I have a more comprehensive article on this at…..

2. Daily Exercise-Maintain Health
This one is easy for me, as I have been practising health and self care for 15 years. However, it is important that I keep this on the list, as I also get to look at the multiple ways I maintain health. Good food from local suppliers, great sleep, great company and emotional support, plenty of exercise that makes me feel good and happy, keeping my weight at its right place..these are some of the components of great health. I feel vital, alive, energised.

3.Spend less than I earn. Spend only cash for personal items
This one has been an achilles heel for me (and for many others, as evident in our current global situation). How easy has it been to pay for things by credit! Enough. We have to learn patience, restraint, and what ENOUGH means.

4.Learn Fully From My Mistakes
Mistakes are the way we learn. They are the good guys, yet we so often see them as the bad guys. They become bad guys if we make the same mistake over and over again.To take the time to review mistakes, understand our process in making them, and be certain we do not need to repeat the mistake again, is a worthy investment of time. You will know when you have got the lesson because there will be zero residue. No guilt, shame, embarrassment, upset, angst, anger etc. All gone. Very liberating.

5. Be in Gratitude
People I admire most alive and dead speak about gratitude and the daily practise of gratitude. Each night before I go to bed I have a gratitude journal, where I list the things I am grateful for on this day. This is really easy to do when you have great days, harder to do when you are miserable, or have endured suffering. We can always find gratitude. We breath, we think…As a runner I am always grateful for being able to walk and run. Those times when I am injured and am unable to run or walk without pain remind me of the very simple pleasure of running and walking freely. We have so much to be grateful for.

6. Give more than I take
Generosity of heart, mind and spirit is worth cultivating. There is a big distinction between givers and takers. Persistent takers suck energy. Their gluttony for certain things indicates a broken part of themselves that is forever unfilled. Some givers have to also learn to take.  They can find receiving unbearable, indicating a part of themselves that feels unworthy. I aim to be ever mindful of giving more, and to be sure that I do. Giving comes in many forms. A kind thought, a smile, a compliment, physical gifts, time, energy, prayer.

7. Be Open/Receptive
An open mind and open heart require vigilance to maintain. It is very easy for us to shut down. We either shut down our thinking, and live in righteousness, or shut down our heart and block expansiveness and love. We can also shut down our body, and withdraw self from the world. As we grow in maturity we do need to learn discrimination about when it is wise to build some boundaries and protections. Not every message out there is healthy for the soul. Distinguishing between messages sent with love and to add value, and messages sent to harm and overpower is an important part of learning about being open and receptive.

8. Let go Let God
This is one of my most challenging self disciplines. I am not religious, however I do believe in a higher organising intelligence that we simply do not have a vocabulary to describe adequately. Call it God, or the unified field, or Great Spirit, or Divine Intelligence, to surrender to Grace is one of the most sacred acts of trust, and one of the highest ways to honour self.
First we do have to learn to distinguish between the voice of ego and the voice of truth. The voice of truth is usually calm, without emotion, consistent. The voice of ego usually has an energy about it that is edgy, demanding, desiring, wanting.
In this practice we need to allow silence and grace into our lives. It requires complete surrender and deep trust.
It is certainly the road less travelled, and in no way guarantees our life will be a blissful place where we spend our days skipping down the yellow brick road tossing daffodils. What it does guarantee is that we will grow in self esteem, and our lives will be rich beyond measure with love, the miraculous, the mysterious and beautiful.

9. Impeccable Integrity
The practise of integrity is multifaceted. Integrity means wholeness. To live an integrous life means to live in truth at every level of self. Expressing ourselves as we were designed. On the micro level it means no lying, either overtly, or covertly. It means that what we say to self and others, is what we do. It means taking the highest road possible. When we look into our eyes in the mirror, we know we are in truth.

10. Using gravitational attraction as my marketing plan, by giving massively to ever more people.
Gravitational attraction is about increased mass. I don’t mean literal physical mass, but metaphysical energetic mass. The more we live in impeccable integrity and all of the other self disciplines mentioned, the more mass we have. And the more mass we have the more attraction works.(This point speaks to marketing at the individual level specifically. No matter what work you do, self employed, employed etc, you need to have a personal marketing plan. Gravitational attraction also works for businesses and companies. It is the invisible difference that makes the difference.)
There are some very subtly seductive marketing methods that make my skin crawl. They appeal to our greed, or loneliness, or our desires to be rich. We read their long spiels and find ourselves saying yes to something that we actually don’t really want.
Bucky refused to market at all. While I do think his choice was the extreme, and he did so consciously to demonstrate how the Universe would support him, integrous marketing allows for the people who want and need the service you are offering to be able to find you to make a clear choice that is in their highest interests. It means offering way more value than people expect, and allowing relationship to build through generosity. Simultaneously, a clear acknowledgement of the value you have to offer is presented.

11. Say no to anything unless it is an absolute yes
Syzergy means alignment. When we are in complete alignment and every cell, muscle, heart beat, says to us YES, then go for it. Anything that is not this needs to be put on hold, worked through, more questions need to be asked, until we reach this place of YES.
This practice means we avoid the experience of…if only I had of listened.It also honours our spirit and infinite wisdom.

Bucky’s self disciplines and mine are different. When I decided to write my own set, I wanted to choose ones that I could honour and knew I would keep.

I have shown you my choices with the intention of inspiring you to create your own. If you have had a weak self discipline up until this time, then only choose one to start. Be sure you choose with great consciousness and intent. And then stick to it as if your life depended on it. For at the soul level, it really does.

Remember, these are there to set you free.